Archive | June 2012

Equanimity

Equanimity
“I am convinced, the longer live, that life and its blessings are not so entirely unjustly distributed (as) when we are suffering greatly we are so inclined to suppose.” ~ Mary Todd Lincoln
“The attitude “Why me?” hints at the little compassion we generally feel for others’ suffering.  Our empathy with others, even our awareness of their suffering, is generally minimal.  We are much too involved in our own.  Were we less self-centered, we’d see that blessings and tragedies visit us all, in equal amounts.  Some people respond to their blessings with equanimity, and they quietly remove the sting from their tragedies.  We can learn to do both.
Recovery is learning new responses, feeling and behaving in healthier ways.  We need not get caught by self-pity.  We can always feel it coming on.  And we can let it go.
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Self-pity may beckon today.  Fortunately, I have learned I have other choices.”  Each Day a New Beginning, Daily Meditations for Women; Hazeldon, 1982, Pg June 29, 2012
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Equanimity:  “noun, meaning evenness of mind under stress; a habit of mind that is only rarely disturbed under great strain; Composure implies the controlling of emotional or mental agitation by an effort of will or as a matter of habit”  Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition, Springfield MA, 1994

I have exciting news

I received one of two grades on my final papers for my two college courses and it was an A-. I’ll be starting back the end of July with my final history course and strategic planning in health care for my Bachelor in Health Care Administration. And, today, I graduate out of my outpatient substance abuse program. Booya!

It’s a new day and life marches on after his birthday.  For those of you who don’t know, I’m in college online with St. Joseph’s College of Maine, and I just sent in my final papers for the two courses I’ve been working on toward my Bachelor in Health Care Administration.  Now I only have three other courses, two of which I’ve already signed up for today.  I’m going to ask my adviser for permission to take the third course by e-mail.  I’m very happy today.  And, my sponsor just celebrated her 25th soberversary tonight at our Monday night AA meeting.  Life doesn’t get any better than that!

Happy 26th Birthday to my deceased 19 year old Lovey!


Today is my deceased 19 year old son’s 26th birthday.  I’m feeling kind of squirrely, but I’m sticking close to my sponsor today, bought a birthday card and balloon for him.  I will write a message on the card, attach it to the balloon and send it up to heaven after I light a candle for him.  This is how I handle events like this in sobriety today.  When I was active I used to drink and drug over this.  Today I don’t  have to no matter what.  I’m truly blessed today.  I know that my Keithie is looking down from heaven, along with my mom, dad, sister, godmother and stepson, and they are all proud of me today.  So, happy 26th birthday my son.  You did not go on alone…a piece of me went with you.

Rather than reinventing the wheel, I like to surf the web from time to time to get the perspective of others on grief and loss in and out of our 12 step programs.  I found this article by Karen Field, Registered Psychotherapist, Sc,  PGDHSc,  MNZAC,  MNZAP, ACC reg.  Ph (09) 426 1622.  I like her perspective, and so hope you do also.  Let me know your thoughts.

I also must apologize for not blogging since January here.  I’ve been without the Internet and sick from my Interferon treatment, but I’m over that now.  It was successful, and I now have Internet access, so you’ll be hearing more from me.  Blessings on all.

journey through grief

written by Karen Field

The journey through grief is different for everyone – longer, shorter, smoother, more tumultuous, one-way and steady, endlessly back and forth. Whatever pattern your experience of grief takes, it is likely to include some of the following components.

SHOCK and DENIAL are foremost

Nature allows the reality of the loss to slowly sink in. Shock and denial help us to absorb it without being overwhelmed. We may even faint or feel nothing but numbness and move like a robot for a day or two. Our friends should not rush us through this nor encourage us to linger.

The EXPRESSION of FEELINGS is foremost

Pain is expressed through tears and wailing, anger and rage in violent outbursts of words or actions. Repetitive activity like making cups of tea over and over, laughter, talkativeness, are ways of letting intense feelings out. Our friends need to help us get these feelings out without stifling us, yet helping us feel safe as we do so. Our tears or anger may frighten us, so we need support and encouragement.

BODY REACTIONS are foremost

Severe grief disturbs all of our body rhythms to some degree. Our natural patterns of sleeping, eating, going to the toilet, menstruation, breathing, and heartbeat may be disturbed. We are likely to be more susceptible to disease. If we bottle things up we can increase the stress on our bodies and maybe seriously hurt ourselves. Our bodies will right themselves but we may go through physical discomfort.

DEPRESSION and PANIC are foremost

The sorrowful weight of loss is heavily upon us. All is dark and gloomy. The sun not so bright, food tasteless, every action an effort, we cannot think clearly, unanswered questions repeat Is life worth it? It seems unreal and dreamlike. Will the nightmare end? Will I ever get over it? We panic. The tunnel seems forever. We need the contact of caring others who can be with us.

GUILT is foremost

How did I contribute to the loss? If only … We remember our failings and feel regret and remorse. There is danger we may even feel suicidal and need to ask for extra help. We search for forgiveness, or maybe we are asked for it by others.

ANGER is foremost

Resentment and rage need to be expressed. It is natural to feel angry when we lose something important. It feels unfair and we’ve been robbed. Our natural anger is often blocked by our training to be considerate and reasonable. Feelings are real and irrational. They must come out in safe ways. We need someone who understands the unreasonableness of say, the anger of feeling abandoned by the person who has died. When anger is out and done with, then we can be forgiving of ourselves and others. The corner is turned and we can move out of the dip into the thrust toward full life.

IDEALISATION is foremost

We hold to the past and revere it as the best. Feelings are calmer now but we are convinced life can never be as good again. I’ll never find such a wonderful boyfriend. There’ll never be another job like that one. She was the perfect wife. When our energy is locked into what we had, there is none available to develop the future.

REALISATION and HOPE begin to dawn

When we can see the weaknesses in our past situation and accept the bad with the good, we can begin to hope that the future will hold good with the bad. Maybe despite our loss there might be room for other things.

NEW PATTERNS begin to emerge

With much of the disruption behind us, we start to make new routines, focus on new thinking. We find there are new reasons for getting up in the morning and going on with everyday living.

LIVING WITH the LOSS

The time it takes will vary. A few hours, a day or two, for the loss of something minor, to months and years for something major like losing part of our body, shifting to a new country, a marriage separation, death of a loved one. Nevertheless, with good grief we can get on with living, including the loss as part of our life. The amputated finger is gone forever, but we have adjusted to living without it. At times we miss it and feel sad, but the disruption is past as we are at peace with our lot. Our grieving is done.


I have developed this article from a workshop handout called “Good Grief”, on which the original author was not referenced. I extend my gratitude to that writer for these ideas which I have used to help many clients through difficult grieving processes.

Karen Field is a counsellor and psychotherapist in private practice in Auckland  » more details

Article posted 12 March 2007